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Words. Just the thing for me. I love to write. I hope you love to read.
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March 22, 2010
Attende Domine, et miserere.. quia peccavimus tibi
Tonight, during mass, I sat behind Jon Lee & Yanming, & Timmy & little Thaddeus.
Jon's care for tiny Thaddeus n Ming's gentle caressing of his little face and minute eyebrows reminded me of that love, reminded me of my mom, and i began to cry til i quickly stopped myself.
I miss that love. I miss my mom.
When YC had their Retreat at St Theresa's Church a few days ago, i visited my mom's niche at the old columbarium at night, with Dwayne. As I've always said, it is difficult for me. That's why I intentionally do not visit her, other than once a year, on Maundy Thursday night.
Again, no matter what anyone else says, I know I have let her down in my actions, and in my sins, and it is hard to face the fact, in such immediate proximity, that she would never again be a part of my mortal life, and my life would never again be beautiful in that lovely way.
Attende, Domine, et miserere.. quia peccavimus tibi..
Hear us, O Lord, and have mercy.. for we have sinned against you..
The singing of the English version of this beautiful Latin, Lenten responsory [which, turns out, is a haunting 10th Century, Mozarabic prosaic hymn] with original Latin refrain, really struck me.
Not only did its raw beauty and divine revelation speak to me, it also struck me that the other part of the song our late great Pope John Paul II recorded, Abba Pater, [which is mostly the Pater Noster, the Latin version of The Lord's Prayer (Our Father) ] is this particular hymn, especially at its beginning.
I recall my dad hearing me play Abba Pater one time and saying that apart from Pater Noster, the other part is actually from another song.
Now i know which.
The Gregorian beauty of it rings in my soul, and i am regretful for another wasted Lent. As i always say, I am a great sinner. This Lent is yet another that I find it hard to pray, that I have not really given up something, that I have been susceptible to temptation, and sin, in spite of saying for the umpteenth time that i will, for the first time, go through Lent without sinning the same sins, or at all. I have failed; I have fallen, yet again. Surprise, surprise.
I have been listening to Attende Domine on repeat via youtube. For now, it is my prayer, my solace, my expiation. It's really late. I should try to sleep, and dream of my mom, with this hymn in my ears, and in my mind.
May you find the peace you're looking for.
February 28, 2010
Notification
I posted a few back-dated entries, including Viking Song and There's a Hole in My Sock.
February 4, 2010
I bought a...
04 Feb 2010
0047hr
I bought a ____
I, a bit, regret
My foolishness
My wallowing
My compulsion of depressing
But just give me this one moment
Just give me this one indulgence
For I have no one to mother me
I have no one to live for me
And that alone is making me surge to insanity
I want to ____
But I cannot take it
I want to choke
But I cannot make it
I want breath to be taken
No more hurt by any maiden.
Amen.
The Ants Are Coming
04 Feb 2010
0111hr
The Ants Are Coming
The ants are coming
What are they drawn to?
The end is coming
What are they pawns to?
They’re here to take me
Of my own free will
No forced volition
No verum pill
Take me now
Take me nigh
Till I breathe no more a sigh
No longer high
No longer dry
Carry me where
No friends are there
Let me slumber
Or tear me asunder
Drone on drone
Limb from limb
Tonight’s gonna be a good night
Tonight’s gonna be a frightful sight
Wish I may, with all my might
End my sorry fate on this here night.
February 1, 2010
There's a Hole in My Sock
01 Feb 2010
Close to midnight
Crap-a-dolittle
Crap-a-dooley!
There’s a hole in my sock
Where my toes should be!
Sticky and warm
Grime and all worn
I want to talk
But all start to flee!
Crap-a-dolittle
Crap-a-dooley!
There’s a hole in my sock
Where my toes should be!
Someone please give me scissors
And teach me deft stitches
That some mending I may do
So toes no longer wriggle free!
Crap-a-dolittle
Crap-a-dooley!
There’s a hole in my sock
Where my toes should be!
Once it is patched
My intention is hatched
To move freely, shod, and aid others to
That all day we shall play, you and me!
January 29, 2010
Viking Song
29 Jan 2010
Close to midnight
Viking Song
Tonight I shall write of history
Of Viking ships
And masters’ whips
Of sheer will to survive
Of the taking of a life
Fourscore and twenty strongmen
Fourscore and twenty bowmen
Pounding oars
Bestial roars
The heavens will fall down
Foreign shores
Half-open doors
Fires are as blades of grass
Lutefisk?
Loki’s mischief
I swear by the beard of a Norseman
Ten thousand strong
Our warriors throng
Over hill and down and grassland
Vast expanse: sea, plain and sky
O grand campaign under Odin’s eye
Valhalla sings posthumous blessing
Valkyrie maidens graceful, lurking
Raise the fallen
Wake the dead
Horde shall regroup
No matter fate
Far from the midnight sun is this
A Mjolnir’s throw and another fist
Hammer of the gods will pound their frames
Sick with alien warmth and games
Their mistake was first to think
Ice and snow make only rink
Hot springs blow and salve our souls
Naked muscle in the cold
The second folly of their sovereign
That will, in moments, spell end to reign
Was to look at fur and helm and grime
And think Barbarism was our only crime
Sic vivitur.
January 26, 2010
The Place Where I Used to Live
26 01 2010
Around midnight
The place where I used to live
The place where I used to live still stands
But aliens inhabit now
Faceless souls with other lives
With no interest to comprehend
Making new memories in what once housed treasures
All that glisters is not gold
And gilded tombs do worms enfold
Yes, often have I heard that told
Many a man his life hath sold
As would I, simply to behold
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
All we’re left is feeble attempts to trust
The Golden Age is out of reach
Imperfection that was, still, as sweet
Who wouldn’t sell soul for glimpse of hope
For taste of memory still warm to touch
Alas, when we were young…
Last when hope was alive
Sovereigns die, and live, to no end
Kingdoms rise, and fall in the end
All that matters, let’s not pretend,
Is avoidance of a sorry end
Such is love and such is life
Elusive as the fireflight
Transient as the fleeting clouds
A raging bull pierced by the crowd
O sorry beast, thou art but brave
Yet truly sorry, to show such naiveté
For when the flowers drop, all to ground
When you’re measured, pound for pound
The final count is always short
‘Less salvation comes more than in just a shot
Adieu, adieu
To you, and you, and you…
Adio amico, Adio
I thought you would know
I needed you, and you, and you
While living breath in me stirred still
Warm blood and breath in coexisting will
So now I sing my fond farewell
And await my fate: living hell
I pray, I might, for deliverance still
For one fell swoop to lift me ‘til
One day, soon, I wish I might
Get the peace I crave tonight
Till then, till then, my darling audience
Stir you not
From seat, from yawn
‘Til the day and the hour
New life is born.
January 25, 2010
That started spinning when you were young..
25 Jan 2010
Late
Sometimes it seems my childhood had been a whole other life. A whole other life not connected to this one.
Actually, going on __, my life seems to be measured, or referenced, in ages. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
The childhood Golden Age, the teenage Dark Ages, the young adult Renaissance, the late 20s Age of Enlightenment, etc.
Again, I wonder about the many variables or factors or what-ifs in life, even from the beginning, that could have taken life, my life, on a whole different tangent, a whole different path, with a wholly different result.
“On the back of a hurricane, that started spinning when you were young…” - The Killers
One thing’s for sure, the hurricane had started spinning when I was young. I'm not sure if it is done devouring or consuming everything in its path, in its voracious appetite.
Often, nowadays, I feel the need to get out. I need to get out of being trapped, in the snares of loneliness, hurt, unloving-ness, of the past.
It’s funny how things have come full circle. From the long process of learning to deal with my mom’s passing, to now learning to deal with being __________, half a soul, in God’s plan.
Perhaps I should watch Legion, though I hate these modern, flashy B-grades with half-baked scripts and which take ignorant jibes at the beloved Faith, or God.
It’s like a child’s feeble attempts to ridicule parenting, or Mother. Still, I do in some sense feel forsaken, not seeing that I will one day be complete in God’s plan of _______ _____ for humanity, and its salvation.
I don’t need the cure. I just need to see or know that there is. That alone is the panacea: Hope.
December 14, 2009
14 12 2009
I feel odd today; or, rather, mostly this evening. Something about today feels… strange, not quite usual. It could be the excessive salmon sashimi or freshly shucked oysters (God, I missed them) which have since even turned my tummy a bit funny, but it’s not.
I did have a buzz as I was walking to the bus stop on the way back. It could partly be due to the Spirit-filled sharing by Shanti at my table; it was a blessing, a privilege.
I can’t quite be certain but I think it’s mostly to do with the emotional and spiritual state I am currently in. I feel… mixed, weird.
Although mass somehow felt lengthier today, it did wonders for me. I truly felt God in the readings, in the whole of Mass, but especially in the Eucharist.
I am such a great sinner and hypocrite, though I believe it was St Paul who said something like, “It is not a sin to preach better than you practice.” Of course, we should always try our best to do both (just as well).
In spite of me, and my sinfulness, I know God forgives me and loves me and (for the Youth Leaders Retreat Part I briefing, preparation and sessions) is still helping me greatly. All in spite of my unfaithfulness and sinfulness, and unrepentance. Lord, I am truly unworthy.
Maybe on a higher level I realise that extent of His love (and a “peace that the world cannot give”, “cannot understand”), which is what is truly giving me the buzz.
On one hand I still feel overwhelmed and, currently, mostly stressed by the Youth Leaders Retreat [unresolved planning / preparation issues and the lack of time to prepare or sort things due to Reservist In-Camp Training]. I also still feel sad at my relational state in life. But, somehow, some reason, I feel just a tad hopeful at this moment. Is God telling me things will work out?
Or is it just the grace of the moment, or the Eucharist? I do not know. I think I do on some level feel good in spite of, or together with, the stressed or overwhelmed feelings I have. Somehow, this evening, I also felt a little more hopeful in _____________. I fear I am wrong.
But maybe it’s best, or prudent, not to dissect the moment. Okay, yes, that’s what I’ll do, for now.
Ta ta. I won’t have long to contemplate or deliberate. I’ll make use of the short moment while it lasts.
I have to wake up impossibly early tomorrow, as we have to insert into Tekong really early, before the crack of dawn.
Ta ta. Au ‘voir.
October 28, 2009
28 Oct 2009
Again, for the uninitiated, how often i update, or the length between, is often a reflection of how busy i am. I wrote this on 28 Oct.
Nice; is that the smell of rain? Yes. No, wait; it's the smell of haze. Yet, can haze be so tasty or delectable?
Breathe. It's the smell of.. barbecue. Can it be? The sensual scent of juice-oozing meat on the grill and the flavour-carrying smoke on the breeze? It can't be. There is no barbecue for miles and none with an aroma that would waft for many more.
Yet, it is the smell of barbecue! The sweet-savoury smell of an inviting barbecue on a balmy Autumn night.
But no barbecue in sight. Is this for real, or am i going barmy; trippy on some neuronic high? For what it's worth, I'll soak in this sensory soiree for now.
I love the smell of hickory in the evening.
October 27, 2009
27 Oct 2009
Again, for the uninitiated, how often i update, or the length between, is often a reflection of how busy i am. I wrote this on 27 Oct. It means nothing.
I'm lost in the world, the world which surrounds. The world that envelopes, coccoons and entombs. Asphyxiation is the name of the game. In this reality, you are the game.
Take my hand, take a leaf, take me to the edge of reason; take me anywhere, that would be good. Even static is never static.
Plastique fantastique. Implosion / explosion. Emotion / denigration. I'd hate to hate you. Or would i?
September 29, 2009
RIP Jeramie Thinesh
This is a very very late post. Again, as diehard readers wld know, it's cos i've been very busy.
I came across this obituary a couple of weeks ago. I was stunned to find the obituary for Jeramie Thinesh.
The most bizarre thing was, just the night before, i had been randomly wondering what happened to him, and what he was doing now. From time to time I do wonder how a number of my former 'kakis' from my Far East days are doing, or what has happened to them. It's amazing how easily / quickly you lose touch with people your life once used to revolve around.
As you can imagine, having just thought about him the night before, i was quite stunned to see his obituary in the paper the very next morning.
Having been a Far East kid once upon a time, I knew Jeramie around the early to mid 90s. Jeramie used to be at Far East almost everyday, if not everyday.
You could always find Jeramie drinking at a pub, usually at Charlie's at a corner of the fifth floor. Charlie's used to be our common hangout. I remember the Shepherd's pie was not bad, and at a reasonable price. We were usually not there to eat, of course.
Jeramie was good-looking and had a few girlfriends, I remember. I used to think one of them, Lynn, was cute. I never even knew they went together until I once asked her if he was around and she snapped at me, saying they're not together anymore! I was like, ???
Even later, when I went to Mass Comm in Ngee Ann, I found out Raslyn knew him and sort of had a crush on him, and she used to always ask me about him for a time.
Hmm.. The obituary says he passed away on 13 Aug in Melbourne. I never knew he left for Melbourne. I wonder if he was there when i was there for a short while in 2001.
I'm not sure how he died but even more than 10 years ago, at a very young age, he used to be a really heavy drinker. I would not be surprised if it was somehow related to his fast-living, hard-drinking lifestyle. I do not mean to be insensitive.
Please do not misunderstand, I am not really distraught or anything. Frankly I've never really been close to him, let alone been in touch with him since I stopped hanging out at Far East.
Still, we used to be pretty good friends those days, whatever that meant and while those days lasted, and he was one of those who always made me feel welcome, and in some sense loved, at a time when I felt i had no one.
I guess it is quite a shocker.
I sent a msg to a handful i still know from around those days, such as Malcolm Pinto and Michelle Koh. They remember him and had similar reaction and thoughts, and curiosity over how he died.
I just thought of searching for his brother on Facebook and to enquire with him about Jeramie's death. I also just only realised or remembered I knew his brother too, though not very well and the memory of him is by now even more vague. I hope he replies.
RIP, Jeramie Thinesh.
While we were not very close and were not friends for very long, I thank you for your friendship and love, and for making me feel accepted.
May the Lord look not upon your transgressions, but on your faithfulness to your friends and loved ones.
I really do hope, and pray, you're in a better place now.
God bless.
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