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Words. Just the thing for me. I love to write. I hope you love to read.
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January 26, 2010
The Place Where I Used to Live
26 01 2010
Around midnight
The place where I used to live
The place where I used to live still stands
But aliens inhabit now
Faceless souls with other lives
With no interest to comprehend
Making new memories in what once housed treasures
All that glisters is not gold
And gilded tombs do worms enfold
Yes, often have I heard that told
Many a man his life hath sold
As would I, simply to behold
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
All we’re left is feeble attempts to trust
The Golden Age is out of reach
Imperfection that was, still, as sweet
Who wouldn’t sell soul for glimpse of hope
For taste of memory still warm to touch
Alas, when we were young…
Last when hope was alive
Sovereigns die, and live, to no end
Kingdoms rise, and fall in the end
All that matters, let’s not pretend,
Is avoidance of a sorry end
Such is love and such is life
Elusive as the fireflight
Transient as the fleeting clouds
A raging bull pierced by the crowd
O sorry beast, thou art but brave
Yet truly sorry, to show such naiveté
For when the flowers drop, all to ground
When you’re measured, pound for pound
The final count is always short
‘Less salvation comes more than in just a shot
Adieu, adieu
To you, and you, and you…
Adio amico, Adio
I thought you would know
I needed you, and you, and you
While living breath in me stirred still
Warm blood and breath in coexisting will
So now I sing my fond farewell
And await my fate: living hell
I pray, I might, for deliverance still
For one fell swoop to lift me ‘til
One day, soon, I wish I might
Get the peace I crave tonight
Till then, till then, my darling audience
Stir you not
From seat, from yawn
‘Til the day and the hour
New life is born.
December 14, 2009
14 12 2009
I feel odd today; or, rather, mostly this evening. Something about today feels… strange, not quite usual. It could be the excessive salmon sashimi or freshly shucked oysters (God, I missed them) which have since even turned my tummy a bit funny, but it’s not.
I did have a buzz as I was walking to the bus stop on the way back. It could partly be due to the Spirit-filled sharing by Shanti at my table; it was a blessing, a privilege.
I can’t quite be certain but I think it’s mostly to do with the emotional and spiritual state I am currently in. I feel… mixed, weird.
Although mass somehow felt lengthier today, it did wonders for me. I truly felt God in the readings, in the whole of Mass, but especially in the Eucharist.
I am such a great sinner and hypocrite, though I believe it was St Paul who said something like, “It is not a sin to preach better than you practice.” Of course, we should always try our best to do both (just as well).
In spite of me, and my sinfulness, I know God forgives me and loves me and (for the Youth Leaders Retreat Part I briefing, preparation and sessions) is still helping me greatly. All in spite of my unfaithfulness and sinfulness, and unrepentance. Lord, I am truly unworthy.
Maybe on a higher level I realise that extent of His love (and a “peace that the world cannot give”, “cannot understand”), which is what is truly giving me the buzz.
On one hand I still feel overwhelmed and, currently, mostly stressed by the Youth Leaders Retreat [unresolved planning / preparation issues and the lack of time to prepare or sort things due to Reservist In-Camp Training]. I also still feel sad at my relational state in life. But, somehow, some reason, I feel just a tad hopeful at this moment. Is God telling me things will work out?
Or is it just the grace of the moment, or the Eucharist? I do not know. I think I do on some level feel good in spite of, or together with, the stressed or overwhelmed feelings I have. Somehow, this evening, I also felt a little more hopeful in _____________. I fear I am wrong.
But maybe it’s best, or prudent, not to dissect the moment. Okay, yes, that’s what I’ll do, for now.
Ta ta. I won’t have long to contemplate or deliberate. I’ll make use of the short moment while it lasts.
I have to wake up impossibly early tomorrow, as we have to insert into Tekong really early, before the crack of dawn.
Ta ta. Au ‘voir.
October 28, 2009
28 Oct 2009
Again, for the uninitiated, how often i update, or the length between, is often a reflection of how busy i am. I wrote this on 28 Oct.
Nice; is that the smell of rain? Yes. No, wait; it's the smell of haze. Yet, can haze be so tasty or delectable?
Breathe. It's the smell of.. barbecue. Can it be? The sensual scent of juice-oozing meat on the grill and the flavour-carrying smoke on the breeze? It can't be. There is no barbecue for miles and none with an aroma that would waft for many more.
Yet, it is the smell of barbecue! The sweet-savoury smell of an inviting barbecue on a balmy Autumn night.
But no barbecue in sight. Is this for real, or am i going barmy; trippy on some neuronic high? For what it's worth, I'll soak in this sensory soiree for now.
I love the smell of hickory in the evening.
October 27, 2009
27 Oct 2009
Again, for the uninitiated, how often i update, or the length between, is often a reflection of how busy i am. I wrote this on 27 Oct. It means nothing.
I'm lost in the world, the world which surrounds. The world that envelopes, coccoons and entombs. Asphyxiation is the name of the game. In this reality, you are the game.
Take my hand, take a leaf, take me to the edge of reason; take me anywhere, that would be good. Even static is never static.
Plastique fantastique. Implosion / explosion. Emotion / denigration. I'd hate to hate you. Or would i?
September 29, 2009
RIP Jeramie Thinesh
This is a very very late post. Again, as diehard readers wld know, it's cos i've been very busy.
I came across this obituary a couple of weeks ago. I was stunned to find the obituary for Jeramie Thinesh.
The most bizarre thing was, just the night before, i had been randomly wondering what happened to him, and what he was doing now. From time to time I do wonder how a number of my former 'kakis' from my Far East days are doing, or what has happened to them. It's amazing how easily / quickly you lose touch with people your life once used to revolve around.
As you can imagine, having just thought about him the night before, i was quite stunned to see his obituary in the paper the very next morning.
Having been a Far East kid once upon a time, I knew Jeramie around the early to mid 90s. Jeramie used to be at Far East almost everyday, if not everyday.
You could always find Jeramie drinking at a pub, usually at Charlie's at a corner of the fifth floor. Charlie's used to be our common hangout. I remember the Shepherd's pie was not bad, and at a reasonable price. We were usually not there to eat, of course.
Jeramie was good-looking and had a few girlfriends, I remember. I used to think one of them, Lynn, was cute. I never even knew they went together until I once asked her if he was around and she snapped at me, saying they're not together anymore! I was like, ???
Even later, when I went to Mass Comm in Ngee Ann, I found out Raslyn knew him and sort of had a crush on him, and she used to always ask me about him for a time.
Hmm.. The obituary says he passed away on 13 Aug in Melbourne. I never knew he left for Melbourne. I wonder if he was there when i was there for a short while in 2001.
I'm not sure how he died but even more than 10 years ago, at a very young age, he used to be a really heavy drinker. I would not be surprised if it was somehow related to his fast-living, hard-drinking lifestyle. I do not mean to be insensitive.
Please do not misunderstand, I am not really distraught or anything. Frankly I've never really been close to him, let alone been in touch with him since I stopped hanging out at Far East.
Still, we used to be pretty good friends those days, whatever that meant and while those days lasted, and he was one of those who always made me feel welcome, and in some sense loved, at a time when I felt i had no one.
I guess it is quite a shocker.
I sent a msg to a handful i still know from around those days, such as Malcolm Pinto and Michelle Koh. They remember him and had similar reaction and thoughts, and curiosity over how he died.
I just thought of searching for his brother on Facebook and to enquire with him about Jeramie's death. I also just only realised or remembered I knew his brother too, though not very well and the memory of him is by now even more vague. I hope he replies.
RIP, Jeramie Thinesh.
While we were not very close and were not friends for very long, I thank you for your friendship and love, and for making me feel accepted.
May the Lord look not upon your transgressions, but on your faithfulness to your friends and loved ones.
I really do hope, and pray, you're in a better place now.
God bless.
September 18, 2009
Remembering My Mother
This is a late post. As usual, it's cos i've been busy.
Michael Jackson-lovers will love this.
I recently saw on tv a friend of Michael Jackson sharing an anecdote about when he told Michael Jackson about his birthday.
Michael said, "Oh! It's your birthday! You're celebrating your mother then?"
Michael's friend was like, ?? celebrating my mother?
When he queried, Michael responded, "Yeah, just to bring you into this world your mom had to go through all the immense pain of childbirth, and all the heartaches of raising you as well. It's she whom you should be celebrating on your birthday."
Michael's friend was momentarily stunned, but acknowleged what Michael said was true, and kept those words as a reminder, in his heart.
I didn't exactly celebrate my mother, but i took a bit of time on Monday to remember her, and to acknowledge all she had done for me, and what an impact she had on my life. If only she were still alive, i know my life would be very different. Read: much better.
As some might know, i usually try not to think of my mom, except once a year, on Maundy Thursday, when i visit her at St Theresa's columbarium.
As for my birthday, i honestly was not really thinking about it at all, as i had a number of things on my mind, and on hand, to sort. I was perfectly fine, honest.
It was only until about 8pm, when a bunch of them surprised me out of the blue, and showered me with love, hugs, presents and a cake, did i actually think about 14 Sept.
Thank you, one and all.
I realised this year more people acknowledged my birthday.
I truly hope this means I had done more for most people in the past year.
God bless.
Love,
Les
July 3, 2009
Please, please pray for Fran's Mom, Fran & family
On Monday evening, I went to visit Francesca's mom for the second time. She was much livelier and more vocal, tho she was very yellow. Her liver is 80% not functioning.
Because of this, the cancer spreading to many other areas and other medical problems resulting from it, last Saturday morn the doctor told the father that the mom has only about a week left.
Tabitha (Branson) visited her with Fran on Tuesday evening. She was so distraught that she texted me to tell me about her experience.
Tabs: I went to visit Fran's mom just now.
Me: Oh really? :) I went yesterday. How is she today?
Tabs: Very very weak. She was resting, but when we got there, the nurse woke her up to run some checks. Then she had an insulin shot cause her body sugar is really low, then she was very tired so she went back to sleep. Then Fran and i had to leave cause some of her aunties came. It was a very short visit, but she looked like she was suffering really badly.
Like when the nurses woke her up, Fran asked how she was feeling and she said, I'm so tired, i don't know why they woke me up. And tears started to well up in her eyes. She looked so defeated.
Then Fran asked if any part of her hurt and she said when she sat up her stomach hurt, and again her eyes had this really pained look.
Lester, today i saw one of the saddest things i have ever seen in my entire life, and it surprised me that Fran seemed so calm and steady. And when we got in the lift, she said the doctor said she only has a week to live, and her reaction was so not what i had expected. Fran's doing much better than expected.
Me: Yes, she is surprisingly strong. Yesterday her mom was pretty lively. I think it's setting in fast. Hmm.. Wonder how long more she has. You okay now?
Tabs: I'm fine. I know it sounds crude or bad, but i think it would be better for Fran's mum if she moves on. She's suffering so much. And all that would stop. But i don't like saying it. It makes me feel.. bad.
Me: Don't need to feel bad. You're probably right. I'm just worried for the future of the 3 kids.
Tabs: Do they know? That they may not have her for much longer? Felicity and Gabriel?
Me: Fran told me last week that they don't really know. I'm not sure.
Tabs: The other day i saw Felicity cycling at my void deck cause she was visiting her aunt and she saw me and she said, hi jie jie. And i said hi. And i was wondering if she knew. She's so small and young.
Me: Don't think so. She's damn cute right? I talked to her a bit the first time i went. Second time they weren't there.
Tabs: So cute and small. So lovable. I'd love for her to be my sister.
Me: Haha :) She's so sweet. Fran is always damn jealous of her.
Tabs: Haha Fran is cute too. HAHA. Haha, why jealous? Fran ah. Haha.
Me: Yeah! She always rolls her eyes n says, "Urgh! Stop lookin n talkin to her like she's so cute!"
Tabs: Haha omg yeah when i tell her that her sister's cute she's always like, no, she's annoying. Haha.
Me: Haha, i told u. That jealous woman.
Seriously, though, I'm not sure if people realise how hard it is for me to see Fran go through this. Though it may not exactly be the same, or to the same extent, or have the same situational factors, it is similar to what i went through with my mom.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not reliving my past pain. It pains me to see Fran having to go through what i'd been through before, or similar, and to not be able to do anything about it.
I truly wish she wouldn't have to go through all this pain and turmoil and, from my own experience, I fear for her future without her mom as i know life will be very hard for her.
Even when she was still in ICU, Tabitha and i already had a conversation about our concerns.
Tabs: :( Fran said she might commit suicide if something goes wrong cause she wouldn't know how to deal with everything, mainly her brother and sister. And I'm not sure if she was serious. She's under a lot of pain in school too.
Me: Haiy, my heart goes out to her. I know how it feels like cos i've been through it before, n i feel so helpless not being able to prevent her going thru the same thing.
Tabs: :( Aye. I feel so constrained. Like i can't really do anything except pray and say nice things to her. Do you think her mother will pull through? I really hope she does.
Me: Sometimes you don't have to say anything, just have to be there for her. Honestly, it may not be a high possibility as my mom went with much less, and the cancer has spread to much of her body.
Tabs: :( Shucks. At least Fran will be able to relate to you.. And she has you to help her to get through it and go past it. Oh i really hate cancer. I know it sounds childish but i really do.
Me: I think knowing I went through the same thing will not be enough for her, understandably. I just hope it helps in some way.
On the postive, her mom's pain may end, but Fran's life will be much harder without her mom.
After I visited the mom for the first time, last Thursday, I texted Fran later in the night.
Me: Hey Fran, was glad to see u, n more glad to see ure happier. Will continue to pray for u, ur mom n family.
Whatever happens, trust that God has a plan, all suffering will eventually end, n the rewards awaiting will be great.
You're a really strong girl, n i told ur mom so, n when you're not, i'll be there.
Fran: Thanks! (: But i guess i'm willing to see my mom with me. I'll stay here at the hospital until she's discharged (: Keeping the Faith close to my heart.
Please, please pray for Fran's mom, Fran n the family, everyone.
May 21, 2009
Lass of Loch 'Riordan
In my little pockets of spare time, such as on the bus, I've been reading in dribs and drabs a little book I found in my home - Ballads & Ballad Poems selected and edited by Guy N Pocock.
The book is really old, reprinted in 1960, and must have been from my Dad or Mom's secondary school days - it was also purchased from a bookshop in Bras Basah [where SJI used to be and CHIJ Victoria Street was not far from].
This book is at once awesome, wondrous and lovely. It contains mediaeval British ballads [from the Middle Ages] of various sorts, so old that their authors are anonymous or unknown. The old English, or Scots, or Irish, etc., language contained within its pages is really hard to comprehend at times, perhaps more difficult than Shakespeare [though perhaps Shakespeare had only been easier with accompanying explanation].
Still, after some getting used to the language and figuring out certain words ["a" is sometimes to be replaced with "o" or an apostrophe " ' " sometimes replaces a double "l"] the auld stories of chivalry and tragedy are spellbinding.
In it is a ballad entitled "The Lass of Lochroyan", which sparked a series of inspirations to create, modify and complete this ballad of sorts, of my own:
Lass of Loch ’Riordan *
Too ra loo ra loo ral
Too ra loo ra li
Years ago me Mither sang
A simple lullaby, in her good auld Irish way
I'd give the world if she’d sing
That song to me this day**
O’er yon bonnie banks
An’ yon bonnie braes ***
I’ve sung many a lover song
An’ counted courting days
I’m tired all the magic I have known
I’ve had to make my own ****
I’ve run many a gauntlet
Righted much wrong
But not a single bonnie maiden
Has ever answered my lonesome song
Yea, e’en the best-laid schemes o’ willows ‘n’ wisps
Gang aft a-gley [go often awry] *****
The will of this unknown soldier
Has long since gone to whey
O Lass o’ Loch ’Riordan sing to me
Only you can ease, my Celt-inked lady *
Let your soul-filled banshee wail
Draw and salve me in its aid
For I know if I don’t matter now
I surely won’t when I am dead
A rider gathers on her Grey once more
As this hound no longer can abide the moor ******
* Reference to the mediaeval British ballad tragedy The Lass of Lochroyan, & Dolores O’Riordan, lead singer of rockin’ Irish band The Cranberries
** Adapted lines from An Irish Lullaby which my late mom used to sing to me when I was little.
*** Reference to popular Scots folk song Loch Lomond
**** Reference to Magic by popular contemporary writer & poet Shel Silverstein
***** Reference to To a Mouse (On Turning Up In Her Nest With the Plough)” by legendary Scots poet Robert Burns
****** Reference to The Lady on the Grey, Queen of the Seely Court [Faerie Court], from Neil Gaimen’s The Graveyard Book, Jimi Hendrix’ All Along the Watchtower, & ‘80s hit film An American Werewolf in London.
May 4, 2009
I miss Jordan & Gang :(
Me:
Hi Flo, i miss Jordan n gang; how are they? Still as cheeky? Haha
Flo:
Even cheekier! Will bring them down one Sat after their exams :) Will let them know tt Kor Kor Lester misses them :)
Me:
Haha, but if Saturday must tell me in advance cos i teach Sun these days. They haven't seen me after i cut my hair have they? Wait they can't recognise me, haha
Flo:
Will let u know :) yes, they have not seen ur new hairdo! Max says since u cut ur hair u cannot enter IJ :) They remember u said u were hiding in the toilet!! *
Me:
HAHA! aiyoh.. must think of something else, haha..
* I told Jordan i was studying in IJ Primary, and she asked me how come she'd never seen me in school, and i told her i hid in the toilet whenever i saw her, haha!
April 23, 2009
Run For Your Lives
You wouldn't believe the number of 'natural disasters' i saw / experienced just on my way back.
Although I saw beautiful lightning much earlier, there was nothing to indicate what was to come.
The wind came out of nowhere, in a split-second. The force of the gale was so strong that the marquee tentage in Toa Payoh Central was blown up and about and part of it collapsed almost in an instant, including the metal infrastructure.
There were a few pedestrians walking under who were literally running for their lives. It was quite a sight. A dramatic and alarming one, to be precise.
Walking to the interchange, a number of times stuff flew into my eyes and at certain areas there were mini-twisters of swirling leaves and debris.
At one point a sustaining gust of wind blew a number of small flowers past me as i was walking, creating a very cinematic effect. It kind of reminded me of a scene in Roberto Begnini's Pinocchio where a stream of little mice rush past a pathway.
On the way home in bus 139, i suddenly found the bus had stopped in the middle of the road for some time. It was at the point where 139 just turns into Jalan Rajah from Balestier. After awhile, every now and then, one or two passengers would just tap their cards and get off.
I strained to look and found that a tree had fallen across the road. Taxis could just barely squeeze through, very slowly, but it was completely impassable to something bigger.
I waited awhile to see if the driver would attempt to pass or remove the tree or inform us what would be done. The driver got out, inspected the fallen tree, and just came back and sat in his seat as if waiting for something to happen.
I figured it would be ages if anything did, and so alighted to catch a cab.
As i was nearing my place, I decided to stop the cab at St George's road so i could buy a teh halia from the prata shop - perfect complement for such a night.
As i was walking home, i saw in the St George's Road carpark, a huge part of a tree had fallen onto a car. Poor owner. There were a number of people gathered around, and i can only presume it belonged to some (or one) of them.
I didn't go up close but, from not too far a distance, it looked screwed.
The miraculous thing about all this was that I had somehow not really been in the rain, throughout the entire duration of it all. I felt grateful.
It just occured to me that on at least two occasions in the same night, over a short distance, trees had fallen to somewhat devastating effect. Kind of makes you think nature's biting back. Reminds me of The Happening.
"Quoi?"
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